Beware the Impending Waddle

Long ago were the days when I could simply suck in my gut to feel skinnier. Long ago were the days when I could look down and see my butterfly tattoo under my belly button. I remember the days when I could easily bend down to shave my legs. It seems like just yesterday I found out I was pregnant. That was in July of last year. Now it's a new year and the second month in... I feel like I've been pregnant for three years.

Just a month ago, I was saying that I don't mind being pregnant. I actually like it. I like the feeling of growing a baby, the shape of my bulging belly, and the attention that being "fruitful" brings. Now, with less than 8 weeks to go, I'm ready to stop feeling so mid-section heavy. I swear my belly leads the way. I've already warned people of the impending doom of my waddle. I'm trying so hard not to walk like a Weeble, but it's getting more and more difficult.

Doctor says I've only gained 28 pounds since the beginning of my pregnancy. I think she's just being nice. She knows the stress I've been under. I kind of wish I had never heard how low my number is, because now I think I subconsciously feel I now have a license to eat. I've been so good for so long... why not get some McDonald's fries?? So what if my butterfly tattoo looks more and more like a great Bald Eagle?? But I must stop myself. I've been blessed with no stretchmarks yet, I want to try to keep it that way.

It still feels so surreal that I'm actually carrying a baby. Some days I feel so average. I forget I'm carrying a baby... Not long enough to order a margarita, but long enough where I think, "dang, man, how much longer?"

We didn't do any birthing classes to get ready for this birth. It was going to cost $40 each to go, and quite frankly, with this economy, that was money we did not have. We've been watching "Baby Story" on TLC to get our knowledge up to speed. Yup, that's a scary show. Just like driving by a horrible car accident. It's so grotesque, but you can't help to rubberneck and look back at it anyway. This show has taught me that birth plans are useless: You never get what you want. Laboring women are handled like birthing cows. Doctors come in the room, barely say hello, shove their hand up the woman's hoo-ha, say how many centimeters, then leave. I just learned that a centimeter is about the width of a tip of a finger. I hope my doctor will have small fingers because I won't start giving birth until 10cm. Holy crap.

"Baby Story" has taught me that a lot of women try so hard to not have any drugs for their birth. I applaud their effort and admire their courage... but it is not for me. Especially when I see most of them "fold" and get the drugs they swore they wouldn't touch. I think that the drugs are here for a reason. I know people gave birth for thousands of years without drugs in our history. They've also had their teeth pulled without Novocaine. You won't catch me trying any of that. At least not this time. There are no extra gold stars in heaven for going through unnecessary pain.

I still can't believe that I'm going to have to give birth. I know that sounds kind of immature and juvenile, but I'm really in denial. I hope we can kinda skip the whole process and just put the baby in my arms. The big day is coming up so fast. I have no idea how to prepare. I'm not prepared. I think that even if we get our overnight bag ready, I have my focal point picked out, the due date is here, I will still be clueless what to do. I just hope that the doctors and nurses can direct me. I'm going to be like a deer caught in the headlights.

I hope to keep the birth lighthearted and try my best not to let any pain get the best of me. But that's a first-time mom with hopes that are highly unlikely. In then end, my birth plan consists of birthing a healthy baby. I don't care how it happens. As long as Brady is placed in my arms and I am doing okay, I don't care at all, how he is born. Until the day he is born, I will just sit here, in denial. Pretend that I just have to take a nap, they get the baby for me, I wake up, and my body is back to being just mine. That would be a nice dream...